All Shook Down

I’ve been working a lot lately. Things are alright.

I’m not thinking about doing it again, but at moments when I feel out of control, the memories come back.

Saw therapist number two today. She’s keeping me on Abilify to control my temper, but added in Luvox for my anxiety/OCD.

I’m worried because she said it will make me tired the first week. I’m at a new job so I can’t really afford to be sleepy.

There’s hand sanitizer dispensers all over the office. It’s like candy to a diabetic for me. I used it three times on my walk back from the bathroom alone, and obviously washed my hands before the use.

I see my regular therapist tomorrow and I’ll tell her. I’ve incorporated things she’s told me into working.
Like, when I go to the bathroom or smoke deck, I have to walk through three departments, and the break room. So I would usually feel (and still sort of do) like everyone is watching me. But my therapist, Cynthia, tells me everyone is too concerned with themselves to care. I keep repeating that to myself.

I was able to go alone through those departments.
Still working on going to the smoke deck alone. Everyone pairs off there.

I plan on going to Walgreens by myself in about half an hour, before work. I did this last week. I was really proud of myself. The first time in years I’ve done that.

I give up on trying to stop myself.

Basically, I felt a wave of depression today I haven’t felt in a really, really long time. My disorder generally goes between being really happy, touchy-feely, and then lashing out at everything.

The depression comes on occasion, but not nearly as often as the others, which occur many times a day.

They haven’t been happening on Geodon. I was at the happy state. I was okay. Maybe some things weren’t exactly right, but there has to be something that can be done to fix it.

I called an answering service for my second therapist - who prescribes my medicine - but knew I probably wouldn’t hear back from her.

I just started crying and couldn’t stop myself for hours. Nothing was tearing me out of it.

So I called a pharmacy and asked their opinion, and they told me to stop taking the Saphris, and not take any of my extra Geodon.

So, until Monday, I’ll be without any medication.

I start a new job on Monday. Actually, my first real job. So an added hassle isn’t really welcome, but I need my medication. It really worked. And I didn’t see it until I no longer had it.

It would just be really nice to once, have someone to talk to about this stuff. Someone I’m not paying, someone who is just a friend. But instead, I have to keep quiet for fear of scaring them away, or because another person’s problems aren’t their priority.

If we’re being totally honest, I just don’t have any really, good, decent friends in my life, and I’m not sure I ever really have.

I just want something to work. I want things to change.